60 Jokes About Aging That Make Growing Old So Much Funnier
These old-people jokes will have you laughing for years to come. And if your memory isn't what it used to be, they're just as hilarious the second time around!
Aging isn’t always the most fun thing in the world, but it sure can be funny, if you approach it with a lighthearted attitude. In fact, joking about getting older—and the assorted health and life problems that come with it—can take some of the sting out of aging. Plus, science shows laughing is good for your health and well-being, so having an arsenal of old-people jokes in your back pocket is a win-win.
From short jokes to dark jokes and even bad jokes that earn laughs, this big list of the best jokes for seniors includes some of the funniest jokes we’ve heard in a while. And we’ve been around a looooong time (almost as long as these old-age cartoons). So forget those short jokes for kids and settle in for some old-people jokes that are best appreciated by those who have aged like fine wine.
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Jokes for seniors about getting older
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As Benjamin Franklin once pointed out, nothing is certain except death and taxes. And the fact that your skin is destined to lose its fight with gravity. You don’t have to like it, but at least you can laugh about it thanks to these silly old-people jokes that poke fun at the inevitable.
1. What’s the secret to having a smoking hot body as a senior?
2. What is a prize old people can win for aging?
3. I used to know a couple who grew fruit trees together. They lived to a ripe old age.
4. What’s the best part of old age?
That it doesn’t last very long.
5. These are not gray hairs! They are wisdom highlights.
6. Which underwear brand do seniors love best?
7. Old age makes us great multitaskers. Why, I can sneeze and pee at the same time!
8. One benefit of old age is that your secrets are always safe with your friends … because they can’t remember them!
9. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind getting older, then it really doesn’t matter.
10. Why do old people love English muffins so much?
All the nooks and grannies.
11. Stop thinking of them as “hot flashes.” Think of them as your inner child playing with matches.
12. How is the moon like dentures?
Both come out at night.
13. Now that I’ve gotten older, everything’s finally starting to click for me. My knees, my back, my neck …
14. I’ve decided: Whatever age I am is the new 30!
15. What goes up but never comes down?
16. I called the incontinence hotline recently. They asked if I could hold.
Psst! Even if you’re not a spring chicken, these spring jokes will get you giggling.
Jokes for seniors about marriage and family
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If cheesy pickup lines are right up your alley, you’re going to fall head over heels in love with these old-people jokes about marriage and family.
17. Of all your children, the only one who won’t grow up and move away is your husband.
18. I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right. I just didn’t know her first name was going to be “Always.”
19. An old woman is sitting at a bar when an older gentleman sits down beside her. “So,” he says, “do I come here often?”
20. My doctor told me I need to sweat daily, so I told him I’d start disobeying my wife.
21. My husband cooks for me like I’m a goddess—by placing burnt offerings before me.
22. Where can single men over 65 find younger women who are interested in them?
In the bookstore, under “Fiction.”
24. Why should you marry someone older than you?
As your looks fade, so will their eyesight.
25. After a big fight, my wife yelled at me, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” So I replied, “That may be true, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”
26. Be kind to your kids. They choose your nursing home.
27. Why do retirees smile so much?
Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying.
28. Husbands are like lawn mowers: They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time.
29. Love is like one long, sweet dream. Marriage is the alarm clock.
30. Apparently saying, “Oh, this old thing?” isn’t an appropriate way to introduce my wife.
Jokes for seniors about retirement
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31. What do you call someone who enjoys Mondays?
32. You know it’s time to retire when your co-workers are wearing clothing from your youth and calling it retro.
33. The truth is, retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.
34. Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught.
35. When is the best time to start thinking about your retirement?
Before the boss does.
36. My company recently gave me an aptitude test, and I found out the work I was best suited for was retirement.
37. What’s the key to a structured retirement?
A rigid nap schedule.
38. Retirement is what happens between doctors’ appointments.
39. Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
40. Sometimes the best part of your career is retirement.
41. Why was the retiree’s wife tired?
She got twice as much husband for half the pay.
42. What’s worse than middle age?
Knowing you’ll grow out of it.
43. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it’ll take all day.
44. Retirement is like one big sick day without sick pay.
Funny one-liners about aging
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45. You know you’re getting old when your birthday cake is a fire hazard.
46. If I ever decide to buy a horse ranch in my old age, I’m going to name it “Pasture Prime.”
47. You know you’re getting old when your doctor refers you to an archaeologist.
48. You’re not getting old; you’re becoming a classic.
49. Old age is a heck of a lot better than the alternative.
50. The older we get, the earlier it gets late.
51. You know you’re getting old when your birthday cake is a fire hazard.
52. Old people are just young people who have been alive for a very, very long time.
53. With age comes wisdom … and hair in really weird places.
54. Allow me to politely suggest that this be the year you start lying about your age.
55. Don’t let aging get you down; it’s too hard to get back up again.
56. I’m getting older and wider instead of older and wiser!
57. With old age comes wisdom … and early-bird specials!
58. At my age, the only pole dancing I do is while holding on to the safety bar in the bathtub.
59. When you consider the alternative, old age really isn’t so bad.
60. Aging gracefully is a nice way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.
Once you’ve wiped away the tears of laughter, it’s time for more silliness with these funny limericks.